Unedited. Cause it's funnier that way, and I have the flu, so I couldn't care about that sort of thing right now anyway.


I know you dont give a fuck im sure. Ive just been thinking that the reason our marriage failed is that you werent there for 6 months. I remember begging you on several occassions to be my wife. You never were. I tried i really did and this whole time ive been thinking that i somehow had failed you. I didnt. I was always there for you and i was loyal to you. And you hate me. Well fine you can get rid of all my things and forget all about me. And you may be asking yourself why am i messaging you this after all this time...the answer is simple im dieing and ive had a really bad fucking day. Im tired of being everyones doormat. This is the truth i always thought that i had somehow failed you when in fact youre the one that failed me. Oh now you are living the good life. Just consider yourself lucky i know that i could never give you what you have now. So there you go now that i got that off my chest continue hating me. Its what youre good at.

It was a seven hour drive to the Smokey Mountains. The drive was gorgeous, the mountains even more so. We hiked two trails, a five mile and a six mile hike. The shorter hike involved a three hour long car ride through a scenic loop that was so damn beautiful we depleted our resources for taking pictures during our first trip, made a second trip with my mom and sister and the baby the following day, and took more pictures. This is the loop where I saw a half-dozen fearless deer, right by the side of the road, grazing happily, giving absolutely no thought to the cars driving by at five miles an hour or the flashing of the cameras. In addition to deer, we saw two grown bears, one of which with three bear cubs. [These are black bears, by the way.] A beautiful thing. The bears were within touching distance, munching on tall grass.
The trails themselves were worn from use, easy and wide at first, the climb and distance being the challenge, the scenery was the reward.
The drive from the Smokey Mountains was longer, fifteen hours. After the first couple of hours, driving through the national park, the drive quickly became boring, long. We began to long for flat land, primarily for the car's sake. Our transmission did not like the mountains.
It's so damn hot in Florida. Cliff taught me how to swim. Lily's interest in the pool seemed to come from the enjoyment of soft balls and drinking pool water.
We smoked pot with Jason, Cliff's brother. All of the hiking, running and swimming couldn't compete with the mega-munching I did those few days. I got down to 183 lbs on that trip, and up to 195 very shortly after that. I left at 188. I'm back down to 192. A day at a time.

Most of you won't give a crap, but my eating habits have changed considerably since Lily was born. Even while pregnant I frequently ate pizza, at a buffet, eating no less than half of a large, plus dessert, including several cinnamon rolls, a brownie, etc. plus a few sodas. That's one meal out of my typical day then. I ate large portions of meat, never ate whole grains, fully believed that margarine was a healthier alternative to butter and/or olive oil. I rarely ate vegetables unless it was covered in margarine and/or cheese. When I "dieted" before, I ate from a box, the highly processed, low-calorie dinners with the labels of "Healthy Choice" and "Smart Ones" or "Light" anything.
Then Lily was born, and I realized.. this isn't healthy. Lower in calories may help you lose weight, but it doesn't promote health as a whole. I want her to be healthy, and this is how much my diet has changed. Yesterday's food diary, a typical example of my daily food and exercise:

Breakfast:
strawberry "cheesecake" bagel
[two mini 100% whole wheat bagels, two tablespoons organic creamcheese, three strawberries, sliced]

Lunch:
one an a half cups vegan, homemade chili
two slices Ezekiel 4:9 bread, toasted

Dinner:
roasted vegetable mix:
6 spears asparagus, half an onion, half a red bell pepper, half cup baby carrots, one and a half cups Portobello mushrooms, half cup zucchini

a third cup of toasted quinoa [then boiled in mushroom stock]

Snacks:

one orange, one apple

Fluids:
one and a half cup coffee, 70 ounces of water

Exercise:
Ran two miles at an average pace of 4.9 mph. [When I started running, my average pace was 3.8 mph.]  Half an hour of upper body strength training. Fifty sit-ups.

Yesterday Cliff and I had a random three hour long sex session involving several positions, and a location in which we've never done it: downstairs, in the living room. We did it on the couch and in the floor. We were both buzzed enough that we tuned out the hard wood beneath us. I lost count of my orgasms.
Fifteen minutes of sex a few times a week, snuck in during baby naps or when mom is watching the baby is generally all we accomplish. These are brought on by circumstance, taking advantage of what we both know is our opportunity to do it, not any necessary desire at that particular moment. Not that it isn't easy to work-up some desire, it's generally just that, though, it's a "the baby's asleep, hurry up, strip."
We're still very much in love and overly aroused by one another, though. Every day there's at least two occasions that a kiss that was intended to simply be that gets us worked up to the point that we're both whining that we can't finish what we accidentally started. It's very, very rare that we can have the type of sex that everyone wants: random, organic, lasting as long as the body can last with as much noise as one desires to make. It was a beautiful thing, and it easily ranks as our best sex session, ever.
Oh, Zack and Miri Make a Porno is a fantastic movie.
 

I'm officially under 200 lbs, again. Over 50 lbs lost since Cliff moved in. Yay!

1. Go to Wikipedia. Hit "random". The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2. Go to Quotations Page and select "random quotations". The last four or five words of the very last quote on the page is the title of your first album.
3. Go to Flickr and click on "explore the last seven days". Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
4. Use a photo editor to put it all together.

Abswurmbachite, by the way, is a copper manganese silicate mineral.

Last night the Camden Police Department [Camden, AR] called my mother to say that they picked up my grandparents on the side of the road. They had a flat tire which they had been driving on for so long that their rim had bent. Their spare was also flat. The officer stopped to help them change it and add air to their spare when she realized that they didn't know where they were and had no idea how they got there. Camden, AR is five hours from Marion, AR, where my grandparents live. We knew my grandma was in a perpetual state of confusion/delusion/crazy, but had thought that my grandpa was pretty lucid. He was quite stubborn with the officer, insisting that he was still in Marion.
Cliff and my cousin Monica went to pick them up last night, stayed the night with them in a hotel. They're getting a new tire now.

Oh, and at some point my grandpa pooped his pants.

In less than a month Cliff and I will be running our first 5k. Another at the end of the summer. Our first 10k in October. In December we're running a half-marathon. Next December we're running the full marathon. Yay.

My lawyer has put the publication in the newspaper. It should be less than a month before I'm divorced. I hope.

I have three more pounds to lose before I'll be under 200 lbs again, six more pounds before I'll weight fifty less than prior to getting pregnant, eight more pounds before I'll weigh 100 lbs less than I was at my largest.

Cliff's brother, Jason, and a friend from Chicago are coming to visit in early May. We're going to the Beale Street Music Festival.

We moved to a house in Memphis. It's drafty. Fucking cold. Lily enjoys climbing the stairs. Making us all nervous as hell. So, we have to block off both staircases at the  top and bottom, depending on where she is. We purchased an electric heater for Lily's room.
Almost immediately after moving we went to the Memphis City Library and got a library card. Nerds, we are.
We're almost entirely done unpacking. Still have a box or two here and there. A couple for the bathrooms, primarily. Maybe one for our bedroom. Mom has... almost all of hers left.

My elliptical was delivered. Cliff put it together for me. I've used it every day since we've had it, except yesterday. I passed out early, slept nearly ten hours last night. Can't say that I feel entirely well rested, though.
We've begun digging up the sod in the backyard for our vegetable garden.
My grandpa hired Cliff to paint his shed a bright barn red, he actually called him my husband.

I've been a vegetarian and a non-smoker for a month now. And officially lost forty pounds since Cliff moved in last June. In the remaining four months until the anniversary of his move across the country to live with me, I plan to lose an additional twenty-five pounds, putting me just under what I was when I married Dave.  For the next year, I plan to lose the remaining forty-five pounds to reach my goal weight.

I'm hungry.

   

A couple of Lily, because I'm a proud mama. Obviously the first is from Halloween time. Her other grandma, Cliff's mom, sent the shirt.

    

My engagement ring. A half karat in diamonds. Three diamonds in the center, tiny diamonds along the band. 14 karat white gold.




My newest tattoo, starting at my ankle, going up to my calf. The first of three tree tattoos that will go around my ankle. The others will be this tree as well, but in different seasons. One in mid-summer, fully blossomed and green. The last full of vibrant colors, half fallen to the ground. After my ankle is surrounded in trees, I'm moving up to birds flying over head, somewhere on the leg will be a lily. I'll have quite the leg by the time I'm done. My right leg will remain naked.
It hurt like a son of a bitch closest to the bottom and the front, near the bone. Towards the middle it almost tickled. My other foot fell so fucking asleep that by the end it was changing color. I felt nauseated by the effect. My right foot being so asleep bothered me more than the tattooing by the end.  I'm assuming it was from the odd position that I had to hold for over an hour.
Cliff has a job interview at UPS as we speak.
In less than two weeks we're moving to Memphis to live in a house twice the size of our apartment. Five bedrooms and an office space, two and a half baths. Claw feet on the tubs. A covered patio, fenced in back yard.  Two fire places. A basement and an attic. A kitchen four times the size of our current one. A mud room to walk through when coming in from the back yard, which then immediately leads into the kitchen, awesome for groceries. It's.. gorgeous. And everything we've wanted. And all this comes with the price tag of.... $50 less than we're paying now per month. And in the best school district, and one of the best neighborhoods in Memphis. Insane. It hadn't been on the market for long. It was entirely coincidental that we found it at the right time. Mom had been shopping to buy a house in Marion, and had been approved, but had gotten nervous about investing all of her money in a home and having no cushion. She then called around in Memphis, looking for a four-bedroom apartment, thinking that she'd still be moving closer to her parents [her initial reason for moving], gain an extra bedroom, and be closer to work as well. [If we lived in Marion, we'd be even further from her job.] And the guy she called first said that all of his apartments were full, but he did have two houses for rent that just became available. We went to look at them an hour later. We filled out an application immediately.
On the dieting front, I lost nearly six pounds this week. Not a record weight loss for me, but significant. I'm quite eager to be under 200 lbs again. At 210, it's approaching quickly.

I've upped my exercise and renewed my membership to myfooddiary.com in my efforts to control the crazy increase in appetite that was stimulated when I quit smoking. I gained several pounds in the first few days after quitting, and have subsequently lost those few pounds and remotivated me to spend regular time at the gym. I've spent my time on the elliptical reading, making a much deeper dent in the book I've been reading. Before, I'd been bringing magazines, only to find that if there weren't enough interesting articles, that I'd get very bored mid-workout, and it'd be very difficult to finish, and sometimes I wouldn't. With a book, I often find that I don't even look to see how long I've been on, and when the machine beeps to tell me that the 45 minutes has passed, I'm mid-paragraph and mid-chapter, and I wish I'd increased the time to a full hour. The 45 minutes is already an increase due to the day before, having only 40 minutes and encountering this issue.
Cliff has enrolled in an online college. He's going to be a Physics teacher, high-school level. After I get my tax refund, I'll be paying UCA back half of what I owe them and will be setting up a payment plan for the rest. I then will be able to get my transcript and go back to school. I believe I'm also going to enroll in the online program with Western Governor's University and become a high-school teacher, I'll be going for math, though, not science.

Here's the dress I'm currently interested in as a potential wedding dress:


The print is a flower/tree design. Our wedding will be about three to four years from now, which will give me the necessary amount of time to lose the weight required to fit in their largest size - a junior's thirteen. [I do prefer Juniors sizes when I'm small enough to wear them. I'm short, with Juniors I don't have the issue of "this was supposed to be knee-length? it comes to my ankles."  Even in petite sizes I have issues with having to hem. I'll still be taking the dress to a tailor to insure the best fit. A splurge I've never before given myself, even for my previous wedding day outfit [which cost less than $50, including shoes.].

Tomorrow or Tuesday I'll be getting a tattoo with Cliff. He's getting a scarlet letter A on his chest [atheist, by the way]. I'm getting a tree on my left ankle. Pictures to come.